Not now.

'm actually trying hard not to hate myself right now. Studying all day long indeed numbs my emotions, but all the thoughts, the guilt, the shame, just will not, for one second, stop haunting me.
Yay,in the end, money prevails, over my-so-called-principles-and-dignity.
i am aware that my indecisiveness is my biggest enemy. I know success will forever stay far beyond my reach with such indecisive character. i always have my own view at first, what changes my very first thought are those intervening factors and opinions, and even critiques which comes right after i developed my thoughts. and yes, i really couldn't ignore what the others think.

Yay i think too much, more often than not. i can't control it. i cared. i am no longer the rebellious and ruthless girl who doesn't give a damn about the whole world but herself. to be honest, for that, i was, at least for one second, proud of my transformation, but on the other hand, i realized that such transformation also took away my confidence, my bravery.
To be a leader is far beyond my reach, at least for now, just allow me to be a follower, silently.. carefully.. i will do what the others demand. i won't question. not now.
Time. Just spare me some time to get myself out of this maze.
Sorry for today. i ain't any better nor wiser than yesterday.